


Both Stream and Stone

by Diary



Series: Different Choices, Unwanted Love, and Requited Love [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkward Conversations, Bechdel Test Fail, Bittersweet, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Disturbing Themes, Getting Back Together, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Introspection, Love, M/M, Male Friendship, POV Aaron Dingle, POV Male Character, POV Queer Character, Past Child Abuse, Past Incest, Past Rape/Non-con, Romance, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 13:59:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8492446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diary/pseuds/Diary
Summary: An AU look at Robert/Aaron when Gordon reappears. Complete.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Emmerdale.
> 
> Has a companion piece from Robert's POV called Giving Up Options and Selfish Bravery: http://archiveofourown.org/works/9397622.

Aaron’s just picked up a letter opener when Robert walks in.

Repressing a sigh, he opens his desk and begins rearranging it.

His dad is back, and his mum is right: He does need to find a new place to live. He can’t sleep at night if his dad is nearby.

Robert begins talking about some fight Adam, Vic, and Diane are having, and Aaron supposes this is meant to be an explanation: Robert is hiding until there’s no longer a risk of being drawn in. Or maybe, he believes trying to keep engaging in simple conversation will eventually work and make Aaron stop hating him.

Glancing over, Aaron considers him.

He doesn’t want Robert’s affection or friendship.

He does want his body, and he needs some form of release, especially since he’s finished rearranging and closed his desk. There’s little chance he can dig the letter opener back out and take it elsewhere without Robert interfering.

Walking over, he tentatively touches Robert’s shoulder.

Robert looks at him with confusion turned to hope.

Aaron kisses him, pulls back, and warns, “This means nothing.”

There might have been a flash of hurt in Robert’s eyes, but if there was, it was only a flash. He pulls Aaron back for another kiss and says, “Whatever you want, Aaron.”

...

It wasn’t rough, but it wasn’t soft or gentle, either. Robert didn’t say anything to ruin it.

Buttoning up his shirt, Robert asks, “Feeling better?”

Knowing how bitter his laugh would be, he manages to repress it. “Yeah. Thanks, I guess.”

Robert looks over. “I’ll give you what you want, but don’t blame me if you have regrets afterwards.”

Aaron nods. “Just don’t make this into anything. I don’t care who you shag, and if I find someone, you don’t get to say anything about it.”

“Understood.” Robert hesitates.

Aaron wonders if Robert’s thinking about kissing him and says, “Whenever you want to leave is good.”

Robert does.

…

He could try to find a cheap flat, or he could sleep at the portacabin and take showers at Adam’s and Finn’s.

He chooses the latter.

…

Robert is- careful, maybe, or at least, not pushy. He still tries to talk to Aaron, but he never kisses or tries to initiate sex first. The few touches he does give are harmless and likely innocent.

It begins to nag on Aaron, though, how, during sex, it’s all about what he wants, and when he stops to think about it, he has no idea what Robert wants, if Robert is getting what he wants and needs or if he’s just going on along with what Aaron does.

Yes, care about the lying, cheating bastard you spent time in prison because of, runs viciously through his head. He deserves it, doesn’t he, and you’ve never come close to almost killing yourself over it, have you?

Then, Robert lets out a sharp gasp, and Aaron realises he accidentally bit Robert’s tongue.

Whatever his feelings, he’s never, ever going to physically hurt someone during sex or even just a snogging session. The only way he ever would is if he were defending himself.

Thoughts of the lodge swirl in his mind, but firmly ignoring them, he pulls away. “Sorry,” he says. “Got carried away.”

Robert looks at him with accessing, wary eyes, and Aaron’s not sure Robert completely believes him.

They stand, and time stretches on.

Then, Robert reaches over and touches Aaron’s arm. “It’s okay.”

Aaron makes sure the next kiss is gentle, and focusing on the feeling, all his thoughts and worry quickly melt away.

Tiny shivers run down his spine, and warmth pools in his stomach. He can feel Robert’s warm, solid hands, one on the side of his neck and the other stroking his cheek with slightly callused fingers and pressing with his palm. Underneath his own hands, Robert’s soft hair wraps around his fingers, and the back of Robert’s neck is full of strong bones but yielding skin, and when he moves his fingers over the skin, Robert pushes closer against him.

He wants it to last forever, but his mobile rings, and they jerk apart.

Trying to ignore Robert looking at him with soft eyes and swollen lips, he answers.

…

Everybody wants Diane’s bloody share of the pub, and as long as it’s not Gordon- he can deal with Robert, he can deal with some complete stranger, but he can’t handle it if his dad does. He’s heard gossip about his dad and mum possibly moving in together. Whether this means in the Woolpack or finding a different place, he doesn’t know.

On top of all this, Adam comes into the portacabin and insists, “Mate, you can’t keep sleeping in here.”

“Why not?”

“Look, don’t have a go. I’ve been talking to me mum and Cain, and- you could have my old room at the farm, if you fancied it. It’s a bit away, but it’s safer and more comfortable, yeah? Best of all, aside from helping out a bit, no rent.”

In truth, Aaron wouldn’t mind paying rent. He’d never admit it, but sometimes, at night, the dark and quiet surrounding the portacabin unnerves him, but he knows it’s unlikely his dad will ever show up. At the Barton farm, there’s Cain and Moira, two of the strongest people he knows. His dad is even less likely to show up there.

“I’ll talk to Cain and your mum on Monday. This weekend I’m heading out. I just- need to get out of the village for a bit, mate.”

Giving him a concerned look, Adam smiles. “Okay. But you’re good, yeah?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

…

In the barn, he kisses Robert until everything in him is relaxed and vaguely tingling.

Pulling back, he tries to draw up the words and sighs when he realises thinking about them has caused the tension to return.

“Any plans for the weekend? Only, I’m going to find a cheap hotel and stay ‘til Monday. If you want to join me- but if not, that’s fine. Just don’t turn this into a million questions or an argument.”

“Okay,” Robert quickly says. “I mean, yeah. Uh, some questions, though?”

Rolling his eyes, Aaron says, “Obviously. Actually- I’m paying for my half, but if you want to find a hotel, that would be good. You’re better at that sort of thing, anyways.”

“Okay,” Robert agrees again.

His eyes are-

Aaron closes his own, reaches out, pulls him over for another kiss, and is relieved when they end up on the blanket.

…

If Aaron could blame Robert, he would.

He knows Robert wants him back, but Robert isn’t the one who’s making him do this to both of them.

They mainly stay in the room. The hotel has free breakfast, and there’s some nearby restaurants and diners.

The first day is fun and freeing, but then, he falls asleep with Robert’s arm wrapped around him and wakes up with it still there. This would probably be easy enough to ignore, but he realises his leg is sore. This means: Robert did kick him, but the kicks didn’t wake him.

The second day, they watch telly, snog, and the sex has become so much more- he keeps getting lost in it, and the feelings he doesn’t want keep threatening to bubble out.

Now, it’s Monday morning, and he’s wondering whether to tell Robert this is over or just not initiate sex with him anymore.

Robert’s lazing about on the bed, and Aaron’s about to order him to get in gear when the light catches the scar on Robert’s chest. It’s healed well: thin, not raised, and almost matching Robert’s skin tone.

Aaron finds himself sitting down on the bed, and Robert looks at him with soft eyes.

Reaching over, Aaron traces the scar, and Robert closes his eyes.

To Aaron’s amazement and confusion, Robert’s body also visibly becomes even looser limbed.

When Aaron sprays his palm out against the area, Robert pushes his chest up against it and continues to lay there with his eyes closed and his body relaxed. Under the palm, Robert’s heart is strong and steady but not particularly fast.

Aaron remembers accidentally biting Robert’s tongue. He remembers the lodge where, for all he’ll never excuse Robert’s actions, he did attack, first, and Robert defended himself. He remembers punching Robert and pushing him around other times.

He wonders if Robert remembers all the times he hurt Aaron, and if the memory of them bothers him the same way Aaron hurting Robert bothers Aaron.

Leaning down, he kisses the scar, and Robert makes a content, pleading noise.

I went prison because you thought I was responsible for giving you this, goes through his head, but he sets the thought aside. Angry words aren’t how he wants to take Robert apart this time.

Tugging his clothes off, he pays close attention to how every touch, kiss, and lick is received, the movements Robert makes, and the expressions on his face. When Robert opens his eyes, Aaron holds them and strokes Robert’s cheek while his other hand travels gently up and down Robert’s body.

Robert becomes wound tighter and tighter, and Aaron doesn’t protest or stop when Robert deliberately closes his eyes against it. “Aaron, Aaron, Aaron,” repeated gasps and mutters of his name tumble out. Robert’s not in a position to bite a pillow, and when he starts to bring his hand up to his mouth, Aaron grabs it, gently pins the wrist down, and repeats the action when Robert tries with the other one.

Shivering and pressing closer up against him, Robert pants and chews at his own lips.

Aaron kisses him to stop him.

“Aaron, please. Please.”

Once, Robert did something similar to this, and Aaron had almost blurted everything out: how much he loved Robert and wanted him, how much he needed him, how desperate he was for it to just be him and Robert with no shame and guilt of doing an innocent woman wrong and him being enough.

Sometimes, he wishes he had, but most of the time, he knows, Robert would have used against it him.

The past is over, and the type of person he’s going to be isn’t one who’d do such a thing.

“It’s okay,” he says. Opening his hands further so Robert could easily slip his wrists out, he continues, “It’s just you and me.” Letting Robert study his eyes, he says, “Whatever you want, need, say it.”

Pushing upwards but keeping his wrists underneath the hands, Robert desperately kisses him.

Patiently, Aaron turns it slow.

Robert blurts out, “I love you.”

He feels it down to his bones, but Aaron can’t bring himself to say it back. Instead, he brings his hands up and clasps his fingers through Robert’s.

It’s almost frantic the way Robert thrusts his hips upwards and tightens his grip on Aaron’s hands. “I’ve missed you. I want to be with you.”

“What do you call this, then,” Aaron jokes.

Robert’s eyes are round and open. “Not just like this. I want to be with you properly. I’d do almost anything for that.”

It ends quickly after this, and Robert curls around him.

He remembers when Robert did this, afterwards, he’d felt desperate to wrap himself around Robert and cling, but he’d stopped himself. Now, he runs his fingers through Robert’s hair, settles his other hand on Robert’s back, listens to both of their breathing go back to normal, and tries to focus on the feeling of his own heart slowing and settling.

This is as bare as he’ll ever see Robert, he knows, and even now, however gentle and non-threatening, there was some push and prodding responsible for it. Something had to make Robert so capable of cruelty; he’s seen enough of Robert’s genuine kindness to know this. Robert’s likely always been good at reading and manipulating people, and he was clearly born with self-preservation down to his bones, but something or someone made him quick to attack threats in the most brutal way possible.

Aaron’s sure Robert’s gay, but both Finn and Adam insist he’s likely bisexual (with the latter making it clear it doesn’t matter, please, don’t make any more bad choices involving Robert, mate, such as oh, shagging him ever again). Whatever the case, the almost fearless Robert was so terrified of not being straight and losing Chrissie, he kept insisting he was even after he’d been almost literally gagging for Aaron.  

However, if he’s being fair, Robert is never going to know what his dad’s done, come to Jackson’s grave with him, or hear ‘I love you’ from him again.

“If you ever lie to me again, when I find out, we’re done. No talking your way out of it, no more chances. That’s just it.”

Robert starts and twists himself enough he can look at Aaron’s face. “Does that mean you’re going to give us a chance? Me?”

“I’ve missed you, too,” he lets himself admit.

Cupping his check, Robert kisses him and, then, props himself on his elbow. “Just, uh, you and me, eh? No one else.”

He remembers _I don’t care who you shag, and if I find someone, you don’t get to say anything about it_ and _had enough other lads on the go, you’re boring_.  When he was a kid, he blamed his mum for leaving him, but he didn’t blame her for wanting or needing more than his dad. He couldn’t really understand a person limiting themselves to one person.

He knew enough about how most people approached relationships to know better than to talk to Vic or Holly about seeing other people, and he might have been a shit boyfriend in almost every other way, but he wasn’t going to do them wrong in such a way.

Then, he met Jackson, and even when Jackson told him to be with other men, he couldn’t. Never having sex with Jackson again wasn’t always something he was completely okay with, but when it got frustrating, a good wank in the shower made things better. The important thing was sharing all he could with Jackson and not sharing the really important parts, even the ones he couldn’t share with Jackson, with others.

Now, he wants-

“Aaron?”

Sighing, he shakes his head. “Look, don’t lie to me. I’m not letting you turn me into some weirdo who sits at home all night wondering where you’ve got to. If you want other people, then, you want other people. I don’t want to hear about it, and you say nothing if I do the same. But if you want it to just be you and me- be sure, Robert. Don’t say that and, then, do me like you did Chrissie and it seems like everyone else you’ve ever been serious with.”

If Robert is smart, he’ll take this, but if he doesn’t, Aaron will be loyal until Robert ends up breaking his heart.

Pathetic, Aaron mentally labels himself.

“I won’t. I promise you, I won’t,” Robert says. Taking a breath, he adds, “What I said- when I was with Chrissie, you were the only other person. There was no other birds or blokes either.”

Aaron’s not sure he believes him, but he wants to, if for no other reason than he hopes Robert wouldn’t already be lying not ten minutes into them deciding to be boyfriends.

“Do you believe me?”

“That’s up to you,” Aaron responds. “I’m not calling you a liar. Don’t be one. If I’m really all you want, then, you have me, and I’ve told you how to keep me. As long as I’m the only one, you’ll be the only one for me.”

Robert smiles, a happy, warm smile, and leans down to kiss him. When it breaks, he says, “I could get us a later checkout,” and drifts his hand down lower.

Tugging Robert fully on top of him, Aaron manages to gasp out, “Sounds good.”

…

A kick wakes him, and even knowing this is another way of hurting himself and will cause even more drama in his life before it does, Aaron can’t help but smile at the feeling and smell of Robert wrapped around him, and he lets himself imagine a future of happiness, warmth, laughter, arguments, and proper togetherness.


End file.
